Working in customer service has its ups and downs. Said no one ever. These jobs test the very limits of how much bullsh*t can a person take with a smile on their face, and what better way to get through it than turn to reddit and relate to the people that are tortured the same way. Laughing from their misery, retail employees are sharing the dumbest thing they’ve heard a customer say, and you couldn’t make these things up. From trying to get a better deal to asking for instructions, here are the funniest things that came out from customers’ mouths.
I work at walmart stocking shelves in the grocery department. During one busy day a woman came up to me with a crying kid, probably about 5 years old, and said (exact quote) “my kid is pissing me off, watch him for me while I go get some things.”
I told her that it wasn’t my job to watch her kid and that I had to go in back and do things and he couldn’t come with me anyway, so then she told me she was going to walk away and leave her kid there and if anything happened to him it would be my fault. So I told her if she did that I was going to take her kid to customer service and tell them he was lost and have them page her until she came back.
She started to walk away anyway so I took her kids hand and started to bring him to customer service and then all of a sudden she yelled “WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH MY SON” and I froze, but fortunately a bunch of customers had overheard the whole conversation and explained what had happened to my manager who kicked her out of the store.
“My laptop won’t turn on!”
“Did you plug it in and charge the battery?”
“NO! This is a laptop! It doesn’t need to be plugged in!”
“Ma’am, the battery still needs to be charg…”
“LISTEN! This is a laptop!”
I used to work as a photographer in a studio next to an opticians office. I once managed to have a long conversation with a older man looking for glasses, without either of us realizing he was in the wrong place.
Him: “Hi, I’m Mr McFakenamington, here for my appointment”
Me: “Huh, that’s odd… I don’t see you on our schedule. I have time for a walk-in though, just fill in this paperwork”
We have a little chat about possible clerical errors that could lead to a missing appointment as he’s filling in his paper. I chalk it up to human error and tell him we can get started in a few minutes anyway.
Him (after a brief silence): “So about how long to these appointments take?”
Me: “Well, generally it takes 1 to 2 hours for the whole process. Really depends on the person”
Him: “Wow, thats a long time…”
Me: “Well, if it’s just you it shouldn’t take so long. The long appointments tend to be families with children. The most time consuming thing is picking out the ones you like.”
Him: “And after I’ve chosen, do you make them here? When can I pick them up?”
Me: “We send out your order to our lab and it comes back here in a week or two”
Him (looking around): “Do you have frames I can look at?”
Me: “Not really. We’ve got some pre-framed products but generally customers buy their own frames from somewhere else”
Him: “That’s ridiculous! How could you not sell frames here?!”
Me: “Well… there are some in (adjacent department store) if you don’t have any around the house. Frames are really not so hard to come by. I mean, you can even get them at (nearby pharmacy)”
Him: “But you’d at least set up the frames for me, right?”
Me: “Sorry, no.. but for most frames it’s pretty straightforward. Usually it’s just a couple simple latches in the back? I can’t imagine I’d be better at it than you, or anyone else for that matter.”
Him: “I don’t even get to try anything on today? How will I know how it looks? How do you get the size right for the frames if I don’t have them?”
Me: “I’m sorry sir, I really don’t follow”
Him (practically yelling): “So you just want me to buy glasses i’ve never seen for frames I don’t have, and I have to frame them myself?!!!”
At this point it dawns on me. I explain that I’m a photographer, point to the photos hanging up around the studio. I tell him that optical is next door. He looks sheepish, and I walk out with him to make sure he gets to the right place.
This entire conversation occurred while I was under a sign that said “Portrait Studio”, in a room filled with photos of families. I guess the poor guy really needed those glasses.
In high school I worked at a local hardware store. We also refilled propane tanks for gas grills. After a summer or two of doing ten or more tanks a day you get good at guestimating how full a tank is just by picking it up. one particularly hot day a customer comes in and sets his tank down next to me and asks for a fill up. I pick up the tank and inform him that the tank is full and does not need a fill up. He looks pretty agitated already with this short exchange and says that he checked that it was empty and would I just fill it up. To this, I inquired how he checked. There are several ways to check, one being by the weight of the tank, another is the thermal strip on the side (which his tank did not have) the other is to pour hot water down the side and feel where it gets cold. His reply assured me that this was one blithering idiot lucky to be alive. He said he checked it by holding his cigarette lighter in front of the valve and opening it. To this I replied: ” You ought to write to your congressman and representative because they saved your life today. This tank has an OPD safety valve on it that prevents the gas from coming out without anything attached.” He walked out without another word and with a very red face.
The ice dispenser broke at the fast food joint I used to work at. As a temporary fix while we waited for the repair guy to come take a look at it, we set out a giant serving bowl full of ice with tongs, so people could still ice their drinks. About 10 minutes after putting out the ice bowl, a customer comes up to me to complain that the machine isn’t dispensing ice.
I tell him, “We know. A repair guy was called, but he’s not here yet. In the meantime, there’s a bowl next to the soda fountain, so you can still get ice.”
The guy immediately gets an attitude about it. “How do I know that ice hasn’t been sitting out there all day?”
I stare at him for a good few seconds before saying, “Because it’s still solid.”
“If left out at room temperature ‘old ice’ would just be water.”
“I want to speak with your manager.
I worked as a lifeguard at a public pool last summer.
We had a strict ‘No water-wings” policy. Those little f**kers are death traps. So this woman is putting water wings on her kid next to the pool, and I politely inform her that we do not allow water wings, and have life vests available for free literally 5 feet from where she’s standing. She becomes so infuriated that I would “dare to dictate how she treats her child” and tons of other shit. So I call my supervisor over, and as he arrives and is speaking to her, the kid jumps in the pool.
Water wings slip up his arms, and he’s suspended underwater. Jump in and pull him out. Woman is furious that I would “have the nerve to touch her child. How dare I?!”
I used to work in a call centre. When a customer called to place an order from the catalog we would have to offer them cross sells that appeared on our screen. Say for example someone ordered a stapler, we would offer them staples to go with it.
This took place back when computer inkjet printers were fairly new. They didn’t have wireless network capabilities nor did they have SD card readers built in. It was also before tablets came out.
A woman called to place an order and the conversation went like this
Her: Hi. I’d like to order item #XXXXXXXX
Me: ok. That would be an HP printer (offering cross sell) would you also like to add the printer cable as it’s not included.
Her: Why would I need a cable?
Me: to connect to your computer
Her: oh honey, I don’t have a computer I just want to print some stuff
Me: umm. You need a computer in order to print stuff
Her: no. My son knows a lot about computers and you are wrong.
After spending 5 minutes explaining how she can’t print without a computer she continued to place the order and the call ended. I wrote careful notes in the log and explained it all. I wrote down the order number as I knew she’d call back to return it.
Sure enough about 3 weeks later I checked and she had called to return it. In the notes the person who handled the return said that the person she ordered it from said nothing about needing a computer to work the printer. I didn’t get in trouble cause my notes had been in the system saving my ass.
Customer: Can I get a Big Mac, a poutine, and a large coffee double double.
Me: Alright, so I will make that a meal for you so it’s cheaper.
Customer: I don’t want a meal. I want a BIG MAC, A POUTINE, AND A LARGE DOUBLE DOUBLE. THAT’S IT. NO MEAL.
Me: Ma’am.. those three items together are a meal. I can charge you separately for more money if you want but a meal is cheaper.
Customer: huffs I said no meal. Let me pay. proceeds to pay $3-$4 extra just because she doesn’t want a meal
I don’t understand customers sometimes.
When I used to waitress I once had a customer complain I put too much ice in her glass of water because it would water down the flavor…I didn’t even know how to respond to that.
“Your total comes to $32.23”
“I only have $20.”
“Can I still have it?”
Worked at EB Games when I was 18, in a city in Canada known for its red necks.
A man in his 40s came in and spent at least 3 hours browsing every single title on the wall. He refused my help several times and eventually came up to the counter with 5 brand new games on almost every system we carried. After ringing in his selection of Cabela’s hunting, Nascar racing and UFC fighting he paid and left.
Several hours later the man returns! He throws open the front door (it was a stand alone store) and yells “What kind of sh*t show are you running here?!” He is red in the face and stomps towards me and throws his bag of games onto the counter.
“NONE OF THESE WORK. THIS IS A SH*T STORE. WHAT KIND OF BUSINESS… (man rants and yells at me for a minute or so before he decides to take a breath).”
I asked him, “you tried the games in your Xbox, PC and Playstation and NONE of them worked?”
His reply “I just got that new player from Wal-Mart THIS AFTERNOON and NONE OF THESE GAMES WORK!!” Of course, he doesn’t know the name of ‘the disc player’ that he bought was. After several painful minutes and him showing me the Wal-Mart receipt out of his pocket…
…he bought a DVD player.
I once had a customer bring back a laptop she bought the day before claiming it was broken. She said it wouldn’t open, I asked her if it was windows not loading up or a program not opening, she said the laptop itself wouldn’t physically open. I took it out of the box, opened it up and just looked at her. Her mouth fell open, she looked at me and said “Oh, it opens that side! Me and my sister tried for an hour to open it up last night and couldn’t” She had been trying to open it from the hinge side…
“How many slices are in a large pizza?”
“What about a medium?”
“Okay, wiseguy, how many slices in a small?”
“How can a large and a small have the same number of slices?”
“Because we cut them all the same number of times.”
“Bullshit, that doesn’t make sense. Let me talk to your manager!”
I called the manager over and he has the exact same conversation with the customer.
This has happened several times. How is it so hard to understand?
Back in college, I worked over the summer for a tour bus company in Washington, DC. While driving past the Washington Monument, a woman asked me “How do they get all the flags to fly in the same direction?”
I have been a waiter for years but by far the stupidest thing I’ve ever had happen to me at work happened when I was just starting out. I was waiting on a family of four and they all ordered Ice waters. I brought them their drinks and then a few minutes later the mom waves me over. She says ” The out side of my glass is wet” I stare at it and see the beads of condensation on the outside of the glass. ” Yeah it’s called condensation, its what happens when you have Ice water in a room temperature glass” she stares at me like I’m a f**king alien, and then I realize that this was my future as a waiter, dealing with f**king idiots. I took her drink and wiped it off with a towel and handed it back to her.
I worked in call centers for a brief moment and you get connected with some very weird people.
Me : “OK are there any lights on the modem?”
Cx : “no its unplugged. I unplugged it because I didn’t like the lights
Me : “oh… Well the modem needs to be plugged in to work”
Cx : “I don’t want to get out of bed, can’t you send the signal from your end?”
Me : “…no, it’s physically disconnected, you need to plug it in. I’m just on the phone with you”
Cx : “I don’t get why you’re giving me the run around”
Not mine, but a friend told this story in college, and it always amused me.
She worked in a camera store, and this was the early 90’s, so pre-digital camera era. This woman comes in, wanting to get some photos developed. She hands my friend the whole camera (not unusual; apparently a lot of people didn’t know how to get the film out after they were done with a roll, so this part wasn’t uncommon). My friend examines the camera, and:
My friend: um… Ma’am, there’s no film in here. Woman: That’s okay, I still took the pictures. My friend: But there’s no film in the camera.
Woman: I know, but I took the pictures anyway, so please get them out. My friend: But… You would have to have had film in the camera first… Woman: it doesn’t matter, I pressed the button. There are pictures in there. Please get them out.
And so on, for quite some time. It ended with the woman storming off, convinced my friend was incompetent.
‘Would you like some jalapeños with your nachos?’ ‘No, I’m massively allergic. I could die.’ ‘Oh, then you shouldn’t have any of this then, the cheese and salsa dips you asked for both contain jalapeños’ ‘Oh; don’t worry. I’m not actually allergic. Just not a fan’.
You f***ing thundering bag of d**ks, I wasn’t going to force them down your throat. Say ‘no thanks’ and we’re done.
I used to work at a store in a small midwestern town that sold, among other things, jumbo jelly beans. One day, I received the following phone call:
Customer: Hi, this is Habner Whozizfuck and I was just in there the other day. I bought a pound of the black licorice jelly beans and I think there’s something wrong with them.
Me: Why do you think that?
Customer: I put it in my mouth and it just… It just sat there.
Me: What do you mean sir?
Customer: Well, I just put it in my mouth and I had it in my mouth and it just STAYED there. It used to be I’d pop one in my mouth and after a few minutes it would go away.
Me: Do you mean it would disappear?
Customer: No, I mean it would just… It would melt away in my spittle.
Me: Sir, it sounds more like you were eating a hard candy to me. Jelly beans are kind of chewy and they’d probably take a good long while to dissolve in your mouth.
Customer: Well, I guess I don’t know what to do. I got a pound of these jelly beans and I don’t know what to do with them.
Me: I would suggest chewing them, sir.
Customer: Oh, okay! I’ll try that! Thanks!!!
Cellphone store right before the dawn of the smartphone
Customer: “I need my information off my old phone.”
Me: “Okay where is it?”
Customer: “At the bottom of a lake.”